Should I stay or go?

In one of my earlier guides I mentioned a guidance therapy called ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy). The aim in ACT is to act on your values, engage fully in the present moment and become familiar and more considering of acceptance. Accepting does not mean enjoying, but more so being at peace and not fighting repetitive or negative thinking.

In any problematic situation, there are 4 possible directions to consider. This can be particularly beneficial when weighing up how to act in respect to relationships, jobs, relocation and various life choices.

Option One: leave the situation

Option Two: stay, and change what can be changed

Option Three: stay, and accept what can’t be changed

Option Four: stay, and rely on emotional control strategies

So let's explore what the options are...

Option One: Leave the situation

If leaving a problematic situation is possible, then it’s worth considering this - would your overall quality of life be better if you left than if you stayed? Of course, you can never know for certain, but you can make a reasonable prediction based on what has happened up to this point and if factors out of your control are likely to remain the same.

Option Two: Stay, and change what can be changed

If you choose to stay in a difficult situation, the first step is to change whatever can be changed to improve it and prevent the same ending reoccurring - as with any situation, what you have most control over is the action that you take. So focus your energy on taking action, guided by your values - depending on the context, examples could range from practising assertiveness or communication skills, to spending more quality time with your partner.

Option Three: stay, and accept what can’t be changed.

If you’ve chosen to stay, and you’ve taken every action possible to improve the situation, and it’s still difficult, then it’s time to practise acceptance. Try to make room for painful feelings and when you catch yourself ruminating and worrying, come back to the present moment (a good tip is to focus on your input from your senses. For example the sounds of the road outside, the smell of cooking, the sight of your pet and so on). Choose to live by, and aim to reach milestones which represent, your values. Engage in the present moment, irrespective of the challenges you face – though at complete acceptance, not fighting those challenges.

Option Four: Stay, and rely on emotional control strategies

It is very common for people to stay in a problematic situation without doing everything possible to improve it. Rarely do they practice acceptance (which is understandable if one is unaware of these tools). Rather they worry, ruminate, and analyse, or get angry, anxious, or depressed. They will likely turn to emotional control strategies to try and feel better. Emotional strategies can range from drug and alcohol use and self harm to eating disorders and over exercising. In the long term the strategy of emotion control strategies will always cause more suffering. Although an option, it would be wise to avoid this route.

Ultimately...

You are in control, literally. The old metaphor of sitting on the fence comes to mind where even just sitting has a consequence; there is a reaction to every action. The key is to a positive outcome is to align actions and choices with core values.